When is Paradise not Paradise

Well I’m back on the road again, this time I’m hoping to spend a little longer camping, the fridge is stocked and I have 20lt of water so I should be all good for about five days or so until I need to visit Woolworths.

I drove a few hrs down the road to see the longest unsupported man made tunnel. You could drive through which was kind of nice. I parked at the other side of the tunnel and decided to walk though as well. About halfway through I spotted a few bats flying around, I tried to get some good photos but needed my better video camera that was still in the car.

I returned with my video camera and a hat to protect me from all the bat poop, the smell wasn’t that nice either.

The light on my video camera seemed to be upset the bats so I turned it off and turned on the infrared light on and this seemed to produce some good results and I think the bats were happier for it.

Screen Shot 2018-11-03 at 10.50.03 am
Boolboonda Tunnel
Screen Shot 2018-11-03 at 10.53.45 am
1000’s of Bats

My Video of Bats in Boolboonda Tunnel

Happy with what I captured I set off looking for a camp site for the night, I remembered the Boynedale Bush Camp from the other week. I forgot it was a Friday night so it was packed, luckily I remembered another spot 10mins down the road Futter Creek Camping Ground and this only had 3 other campers on it so this was ideal.

A nice little camping spot next to the road but very little traffic so that was ideal. I however didn’t have a very good nights sleep because my ribs were still hurting and I was on the last of my panadol.

I woke to a nice sunrise and lots of smoke hanging low in the valley because of all the bush fires which added a nice orange glow to my photos.

Next I drove up the coast and stopped off at the local tourist information office looking for a few little hikes. The lady’s in the office set me up with two little climbs with stunning views, at the top of the 2nd climb this is where things just come undone in my mind.

I was back walking again which I love but was missing my Camino friends badly and the long daily hikes and the good stories and red wine.

I was missing my dad, there was so much I wanted to know about him and never got the chance to ask. I remembered siting in the shed with him talking about my aunts, and my gran and life in England but the exact conversation is fading now.

I just remember sitting with him thinking this is good, I’m finally going to get to know my dad and between the puffs of smoke I’m got to hear some cool stories. Little did anyone know he was going to pass away in less than a week.

I miss been in a relationship and got a little taste of a new family in August and the possible relocation back to England that has really messed me up and I just can’t seem to shake these feelings of love and loss.

Anyway as I stood on the top of the lookout viewing what I thought was paradise, crystal blue waters, white beaches all in a nice glow from the sun, and a few flowers of my favourite colour blowing in the warm sea breeze.

I just stared and all the colours seem to fade, the brightness died, I seem to lose myself, my feelings left me.

I realised that without my Camino friends, my dad, a girlfriend and family I was alone and this stopped becoming paradise and was just a hill with a view.

I thought what am I doing, why am I here.

I know I’m loved by family and friends but thoughts and prayers are doing little for me when I’m stood on a hill top alone. I can’t see or feel people looking down on me, I don’t feel any energy around me. The only thing I’m feeling is loss, rib pain and mosquito bites.

So I returned to the car and drove feeling lost, numb and with no direction apart from my next campsite.

These are the main thoughts that are constantly flying around my head over the past few months and making things hard to move forward no matter how hard I try.

I won’t go into the campsite that night, let’s just say I was eaten alive and had no panadol left and sleeping is very difficult.

So many things biting me

Sorry to be a Debbie downer but things aren’t all roses and sunshine in paradise, sometimes it rains and pours while camping as in life. I’m finding this out while on the road and things aren’t easy.

I’m trying to finding my happiness but not sure I’m in the right place atm. I feel blogging helps and this is the real me the truth I feel. Bare with me as I struggle through the good the bad and the ugly.

Hopefully I’ll find my happiness and you can enjoy that with me too.

I managed to download some Netflix to watch on my iPad so things aren’t all that bad.

Road Trip Stats

Passed few days 305km + 240km – Total 545km

How do you cope with loss or feeling you have little direction in life.


15 thoughts on “When is Paradise not Paradise

  1. You are not alone, brother. I’m not sure about everyone else, but I certainly feel like that quite often. A couple of times a week at least, like there’s something missing but I just can’t place it. You can be in the most beautiful of places, but it just doesn’t feel right. I think the more that time passes, the more you learn to figure out what the problem is and learn to heal. Thank you for sharing this with us, I know it’s not easy to do!

    On a side note, have you got WikiCamps? They’re pretty good with showing campsites and stuff around the area

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hey thanks for commenting on my post. I’m sorry to hear your going through the same deal.
      I can’t believe I was almost at Airily beach the other day I could have said hi.
      No I don’t have wikicamps yet only because I forgot what it was called. I found another one on fb called youcamp camping on farmers land.
      Yeah I’m really struggling with my emotions and loneliness at the moment more than usual. I think it’s due to been in a relationship in the UK and remembering what life is ment to be like not this alone crap.
      Cheers Chris

      Liked by 2 people

  2. I think we all have these feelings of ‘what the chuffing hell am I doing here’ at some time or another. you think your life is going in one direction and you get comfortable with it, then pow something changes, like Dad dying and you are suddenly on a new path, a new life that you didn’t want. I’ll try and remember all the stories your Dad told me and tell you about them, his working in Germany stories were funny. xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hey, we all go through some difficult changes that leave us feeling absolutely hopeless. When I was struggling I hated people telling me “I am praying for you.” What I really wanted them to say was it sucks and relate in some way to how crappy I was feeling. I was on this one hike and I just felt like why? Why am I still doing this and why am I alone? The place was beautiful but I couldn’t push past my feelings. When I starting blogging I started to see how many people really appreciated the things I was experiencing. Writing in any form is healthy for dealing with these feeling that we struggle with when it comes to loss and loneliness and just feeling crappy in a world that keeps turning when we think it should stop. Keep writing! Keep exploring and it will give you the hope to pull you along.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for following me along my journey over the past few years you have seen me go through some bad times as well as the good. I really do wish I’d have managed to meet up with the in the Netherlands. If I’d have stayed the extra two months I’m sure I would have.
      I know you have had some very bad and trying times and I appreciate you always managing to comment and help me along even if I’m a little slow at reading yours. I know I’m behind again, I’ll get there.
      Anyways I’ve just finished writing two blogs I’ve seen you’ve read the first, do you ever sleep and tomorrow’s should be up around the same time.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Sometimes when you look around and everything seems to be like it should be perfect it can be the times that you find the hardest then think why am I feeling like this.
    Don’t be hard on yourself or push them away. It is normal and okay to feel this way.


    1. Thank you, I’m feeling better now after writing this. Guess it just shows I’m human and care about people.
      I’ve connected with so many people after writing this, some who have gone through much tough times than me.
      I guess we’re all supporting each other and writing is a good way to do it.
      I think people are enjoying my blogs because I’m sharing all my feeling not just the good times.

      Liked by 1 person

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